I went to bed last night and it dawned on me. 10 years have gone by since I applied to college and was accepted to the University of Arizona. If I'd only known where I would be, how my life would change, would I have done anything differently? I decided last night, every 10 years I'll reflect.
DEAR HAYLEY,
If someone told you today, March 14, 2007, that one day you'd live in New York working for a fashion house, I can close my eyes and see your response. Giggly, beaming, and saying, "Well that'd be amazing!" You wouldn't have the confidence or maturity level to pursue that life right now anyways, and that's okay. The experiences you'll have in the next 10 years will shape you, the good and bad, and prepare you for this adventure.
Dear Hayley, you're no longer the wound up, anal bitch too concerned about the judgements of your life and career. In fact, you'd hate yourself today somewhat. As much as I wish you were sometimes still there with me, especially these days, letting down some of those walls is going to be the best damn thing that ever happens to you in these 10 years. It's going to allow you to meet your greatest friends, I believe, in your lifetime. You're going to rebel against yourself, and realign with the little girl who wanted to save the world. You'll open up in college, express herself in D.C., and find yourself in the Bay. Even better to laugh at, dear Hayley, you're going to have tattoos, that thing you loathe oh so much. But as I know you, you're rolling your eyes at me right now, and that's fine. I know the outcome of this story.
Dear Hayley, you're going to have to learn patience, something that only comes with experience. The decisions you make, the ups and downs, will make you into a better person. So stop saying No and let YES be your guide to the future. You think you've got your whole life planned out, and only I wish you knew then the beauty of the journey. You'll learn soon enough.
Young Hayley, you will one day be the black sheep of the family, and if you knew that you'd be terrified. Your thoughts on failure in your family's eyes has controlled you; but it will crumble, along with your walls, slowly but surely. The lawyer you thought you'd be will end up being the last thing you ever want. The monetary success? Still there, but much more subdued as the reality of adulthood comes at full force. Sometimes, I wish I was as put together as you, but I wouldn't be who I am. You will be reminded time and time over that life is too short to sweat the small things. Know it's okay to fail, you have the strength within you to pick yourself back up and keep punching.
You're going to love, dear Hayley, and you're going to get hurt. That opening up we discussed? It's going to kick you right back in the face. You'll be stronger for it; it won't feel like it, ever, but you will. You're not one to believe in the "Three Love Concept", but it's lining up pretty accurately in your life. Your first love will always be in your life, and he will be closer to you now than you ever are in that ridiculous relationship you have. And let him be. Your second love will be everything you need in your 20s; it will be passionate ups and downs, dangerous, and then out of your life. You'll at times look back and wonder if it was just a dream because it never really settled. But it will bring life to you in a way you would never believe. He will teach you to stop taking yourself so seriously, and to enjoy the ride.
Finally, young self, stay hungry in life as that's your greatest power. Your thirst for knowledge will pull you bi-coastal for a few years, but there will be a magnetic force that repeatedly comes back into your soul. New York is your future, and while you will deny it from this day forward, she'll call you. She'll know when you're ready, and as the "Third Love", she'll find you when you least expect it. Just breathe and let your experiences guide you.